Can i hit my child

Almost from the moment of his birth, he seemed bent on locating the boundaries we set and venturing past them. Tell him to keep his food on the plate or in his mouth, and he'd throw a handful on the floor. Tell him to stay away from his sister's dollhouse, and he'd make a beeline for it.

I tried the calm, rational approach: two warnings, with consequences clearly described and carried out if necessary. When that failed to have any effect on his behavior, I decided to alter my no-spanking policy. The danger with spanking, I learned, may have less to do with the act of spanking itself than with the spirit in which it's done.

In my case, it worked when I was totally under control and delivered no more than a couple of quick, firm pats on the bottom. But if I was upset, instead of being about regaining control and order, the spanking became another out-of-control behavior. He hit his brother; I hit him. Was that really the message I wanted to send? I decided it wasn't. But, of course, even when a parent makes the conscious choice not to spank her child, the kinds of situations that may bring it about don't disappear.

Neither do the feelings a parent may experience that moved her to lash out at her child. Where that mother bottled up her frustrations tightly enough to hurt her mouth, many women find the opposite happening.

One of the kids would start ripping wallpaper off the walls, and then the others did it too. All of a sudden, it was as if the pressure reached critical mass, and I'd just explode. That's when I'd spank one of them. She always regretted it. Dennis Fielder, of Baton Rouge, Louisiana, says the one and only time he hit his son, now 7, came when he was putting his aging mother in a nursing home and selling her house.

It only came to me after that Tim was actually saying, out loud, all the things I'd been feeling myself, things that I felt incredibly guilty about.

Of all the parents I've spoken to about this, none have done any real, physical harm to their child. The damage lay in the feelings that surrounded the violence and in the potential terror to a young child of seeing his parent and primary protector turning on him. We all know our children are going to exhibit inappropriate, frustrating, and even crazy-making behavior now and then. In other words, they're going to act like children.

So the questions parents need to ask themselves are: What do I do when that happens? And which situations are most likely to precipitate an inappropriate response from me?

And I'm frequently going to be under stress. So what's to keep me from behaving the same way next time? There's no magic solution, of course, but the risk of hitting a child is substantially diminished once you've made a conscious decision to pursue an alternative response to anger.

When my own children were small, and I'd feel myself becoming dangerously worn down usually at the end of an afternoon , I'd announce I was having a quiet time.

For me, that meant sitting in a particular chair in our kitchen, with a cup of tea. Maybe because I used quiet times sparingly, and saved them for when I needed them most, my children nearly always respected them. Another mother actually sits in her closet with a cordless phone and calls her sister. It's not that she has anything new or surprising to tell me -- it's always 'Fix a cup of tea and put on some soft music. And be specific when giving praise rather than just saying "Good job! This makes them more likely to happen in the future — the more attention we give to a behavior, the more likely it is to continue.

If your child continues an unacceptable behavior no matter what you do, try making a chart with a box for each day of the week.

Decide how many times your child can misbehave before a punishment kicks in or how long the proper behavior must be seen before it is rewarded. Post the chart on the refrigerator and then track the good and unacceptable behaviors every day. This will give your child and you a concrete look at how it's going. Once this begins to work, praise your child for learning to control misbehavior and, especially, for overcoming any stubborn problem.

Timeouts also can work well for kids at this age. Pick a suitable timeout place, such as a chair or bottom step, that's free of distractions. Remember, getting sent to your room isn't effective if a computer, TV, or games are there.

Also, a timeout is time away from any type of reinforcement. So your child shouldn't get any attention from you while in a timeout — including talking, eye contact, etc. Be sure to consider the length of time that will work best for your child. Experts say 1 minute for each year of age is a good rule of thumb; others recommend using the timeout until the child is calmed down to teach self-regulation.

Make sure that if a timeout happens because your child didn't follow directions, you follow through with the direction after the timeout. It's important to tell kids what the right thing to do is, not just to say what the wrong thing is. For example, instead of saying "Don't jump on the couch," try "Please sit on the furniture and put your feet on the floor.

Be sure to give clear, direct commands. Instead of "Could you please put your shoes on? Again, consistency is crucial, as is follow-through.

Make good on any promises of discipline or else you risk undermining your authority. Kids have to believe that you mean what you say. This is not to say you can't give second chances or allow a certain margin of error, but for the most part, you should act on what you say.

Be careful not to make unrealistic threats of punishment "Slam that door and you'll never watch TV again! If you threaten to turn the car around and go home if the squabbling in the backseat doesn't stop, make sure you do exactly that. The credibility you'll gain with your kids is much more valuable than a lost beach day.

Huge punishments may take away your power as a parent. If you ground your son or daughter for a month, your child may not feel motivated to change behaviors because everything has already been taken away. It may help to set some goals that kids can meet to earn back privileges that were taken away for misbehavior. Kids in this age group — just as with all ages — can be disciplined with natural consequences. As they mature and request more independence and responsibility, teaching them to deal with the consequences of their behavior is an effective and appropriate method of discipline.

In the New Testament, Christ modified the traditional eye-for-an-eye system of justice with His turn-the-other-cheek approach. Christ preached gentleness, love, and understanding, and seemed against any harsh use of the rod, as stated by Paul in 1 Cor.

There are parents who should not spank and children who should not be spanked. Are there factors in your history, your temperament, or your relationship with your child that put you at risk for abusing your child? Are there characteristics in your child that make spanking unwise? If the answer to any of these queries is yes, you would be wise to develop a no-spanking mindset in your home and do your best to come up with noncorporal alternatives.

If you find you are unable to do this on your own, talk with someone who can help you. Children often perceive punishment as unfair. They are more likely to rebel against corporal punishment than against other disciplinary techniques. Children do not think rationally like adults, but they do have an innate sense of fairness—though their standards are not the same as adults. This can prevent punishment from working as you hoped it would and can contribute to an angry child. Oftentimes, the sense of unfairness escalates to a feeling of humiliation.

When punishment humiliates children they either rebel or withdraw. While spanking may appear to make the child afraid to repeat the misbehavior, it is more likely to make the child fear the spanker. In our experience, and that of many who have thoroughly researched corporal punishment, children whose behaviors are spank-controlled throughout infancy and childhood may appear outwardly compliant, but inside they are seething with anger.

They feel that their personhood has been violated, and they detach themselves from a world they perceive has been unfair to them. They find it difficult to trust, becoming insensitive to a world that has been insensitive to them. Parents who examine their feelings after spanking often realize that all they have accomplished is to relieve themselves of anger. This impulsive release of anger often becomes addicting—perpetuating a cycle of ineffective discipline. We have found that the best way to prevent ourselves from acting on the impulse to spank is to instill in ourselves two convictions: 1.

That we will not spank our children. That we will discipline them. Since we have decided that spanking is not an option, we must seek out better alternatives. People are more likely to recall traumatic events than pleasant ones. I vividly remember the willow branch scenes. After my wrongdoing, my grandfather would send me to my room. He would tell me I was going to receive a spanking. I remember looking out the window, seeing him walk across the lawn and take a willow branch from the tree.

He would come back to my room and spank me across the back of my thighs with the branch. The willow branch seemed to be an effective spanking tool. It stung and made an impression upon me— physically and mentally. Research has shown that spanking may leave scars deeper and more lasting than a fleeting redness of the bottom.

Here is a summary of the research on the long-term effects of corporal punishment:. The evidence against spanking is overwhelming.

Hundreds of studies all come to the same conclusions:. The more physical punishment a child receives, the more aggressive he or she will become.

The more children are spanked, the more likely they will be abusive toward their own children. Spanking plants seeds for later violent behavior. Many studies show the futility of spanking as a disciplinary technique, but none show its usefulness. Our general impression is that parents spank less as their experience increases. Spanking does not promote good behavior.