Why breaking up is so hard

Remember that you're worthy of love: Someone has decided that this relationship is not going to give you what you need. No matter what side of it you're on, Comrie says to remember that you deserve someone who you know you want to be with and who knows they want to be with you. Clifton Mark writes about philosophy, psychology, politics, and other life-related topics. Pseudonyms will no longer be permitted. By submitting a comment, you accept that CBC has the right to reproduce and publish that comment in whole or in part, in any manner CBC chooses.

Please note that CBC does not endorse the opinions expressed in comments. Comments on this story are moderated according to our Submission Guidelines.

Comments are welcome while open. We reserve the right to close comments at any time. Join the conversation Create account. Already have an account? Breaking up is hard to do Wellness Breaking up is hard to do Social Sharing. The kindest and clearest way to breakup up with your partner Don't procrastinate: Some people will do almost anything to avoid telling someone that they no longer want to be with them: "They don't want to deal with the fallout.

What breakup strategies have worked well for you or failed spectacularly? Related Stories Breakup etiquette: All the answers you need to hear, whether you want to or not Does sex with an ex make breaking up harder?

A new study examines the old 'no contact' rule Why rejection hurts so much: A relationship counsellor on the dangers of guessing why they don't like you How to break up with a friend: Advice from 2 psychotherapists. The smell of cigarettes gets in to everything and makes me nauseous.

I can deal with this. She does NOT think she should have to change for my sake. After all, I said I could handle all this. I KNEW about these problems. So here we are. What are my other choices? Staying with her is easier, and safer, and better so I tell myself. If I break things off now, I will have been wasting her time, for years.

The actual prospect of breaking up simply terrifies me, inflicting that on another person. Either way, she wants to go forward with this. Should I break things off? How do people cope with doing that to someone?

Is there a chance things will actually get better if we move forward with this? In short, help! The problem is making that break up happen.

From an outside perspective, it can seem glaringly obvious what you need to do. Our brains are very good at throwing roadblocks in our way and making us talk ourselves out of doing what we know we need to do.

One of the first problems we deal with is that our brains will flat out lie to us and we very rarely realize it. Little things can change how we remember things, including people just making shit up and telling us that it happened over and over again. One of the memory tricks that screw us over is the fact that our memories are affected by our moods. Positive memories tend to stick with us in greater detail, while negative memories fade quicker 1. Those golden memories of the early days of the relationship when things were better are sharp and vivid and can feel more immediate while memories of all the fights fade quickly… sometimes even as soon as we leave the room.

If things were good once, they can be good again , right? On the one hand, it totally sucks to get dumped… but it also sucks to be the dump er. However necessary the break up may be, years of experience and pop culture have taught us that the person doing the dumping is the bad guy.

In fact, it can often make things worse all around — for them and for you. Other times, people try to avoid breaking up with their partners because they worry about what it says about them. We don't want to deal with the breakup and the inevitable pain it will cause us, and we definitely don't want to wade into the cesspool that is online dating , so it's easier to hang on. But, according to a new study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , the reason many of us delay breakups isn't as egocentric as it would seem.

In fact, the reason is actually a far more selfless one. First: the study. In its first experiment, 1, participants in romantic relationships were tracked over a week period. In the second, participants contemplating a breakup were followed over a 2-month period. In both cases, researchers found that how likely someone was to initiate a breakup depended largely on how much pain they perceived the decision would cause the other person.

This is true even for people who weren't really committed to the relationship themselves or who were personally unsatisfied with the relationship. Generally, we don't want to hurt our partners and we care about what they want. One of the problems with this line of seemingly altruistic thinking is that it makes assumptions about how the other person feels.